![[image]](http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y260/Gogga2/TheBobster.gif)
Robert Mugabe goes on a state visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of
Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and passes away. The undertaker tells
the accompanying people, ‘You can have him shipped home for US$500,000, or
you can bury him here, in the Holy Land , for just US$100.’ The Zimbabweans
go into a corner and discuss for a minute. They come back to the undertaker
and tell him they want Mugabe shipped home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks, ‘Why would you spend $500,000 to ship
him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend
only $100? With the money you save you could buy enough diesel for a year,
buy enough medicines to wipe out cholera, buy enough generators to never
have blackouts again.’
The Zimbabweans replied, ‘Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and
three days later he rose from the dead. We just can’t take that
chance.’
There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
”Hello?”
”Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
”Yes.”
”Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It’s absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?”
”What’s the price?”
”Only $1,500.00.”
”Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much … “
”Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price … and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year … “
”What price did he quote you?”
”Only $60,000 … “
”OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
”Great! But before we hang up, something else … “
”What?”
”It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and … I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property … “
”How much are they asking?”
”Only $450,000 – a magnificent price…and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover … “
”Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?”
”OK, sweetie … Thanks! I’ll see you later!! I love you!!!”
”Bye … I do too … “
The man hangs up, closes the phone’s flap, and raises his hand and asks all those present,
”Okay… who’s phone is this?”
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VICE-PRESIDENT
Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end. Finally she couldn’t take it any longer, and told him, “Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!”. “Really?” he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store. A clerk answers and Tom says “Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?” The clerk replies “Canned or frozen?”
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COLLEGE GRADUATE
A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “your first job will be to sweep out the store.” “But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom, I’ll show you how.”
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MAFIA
The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were ‘protecting’. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn’t be able to communicate to the police what he was doing. Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can’t communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, “Ask him where the money is.” The interpreter signs, “Where’s the money?” r The deaf replies, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The interpreter tells the hood, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.” The hood pulls out a large gun and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. “NOW ask him where the money is.” The interpreter signs, “Where is the money?” The deaf man replies, “The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate .” The interpreter says to the hood, “He says he still doesn’t know what you’re talking about, and doesn’t think you have the guts to pull the trigger.”
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EARS
There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this ‘unusual’ handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears. Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was, ‘Do you notice anything unusual about me?’ The guy s aid, ‘Now that you mention it, you have no ears.’ The man got really upset and threw the guy out. The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, ‘Do you notice anything unusual about me?’ This guy also noticed, ‘Yes, you have no ears.’ The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out. Then he had the third interview.. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, ‘Do you notice anything unusual about me?’ The guy replied ‘Yeah, you’re wearing contact lenses.’ Surprised, the man then asked, ‘Wow! That’s quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?’ The guy burst out laughing and said, ‘Well, You can’t wear glasses if you d on’t have any ears!’
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“What’s the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?” he demanded to know. “Half the audience walked out before I finished.”
The employee was baffled. “I wrote you a 20-minute speech,” he replied. “I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for”.
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Funny- Rolls Royce
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer was quite taken a back, and requested collateral. “Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce”, the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank’s underground parking for safekeeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank’s doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. The loan officer checked the records and told him, “That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest.” The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away. “Wait sir,” the loan officer said, “while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow? The man smiled. “Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?”
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A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee. On his first day, he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone, “Get me a coffee, quickly!”
The voice from the other side responded, “You fool you’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to, dumbo?”
”No,” replied the trainee.
”It’s the Managing Director of the company, you fool!”
The trainee shouted back, “And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?”
”No.” replied the Managing Director indignantly.
”Good!” replied the trainee and put down the phone
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TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public buys your bull.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called ‘Cowkimon’ and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment and high bovine productivity.
You have the newsman who reported on the numbers arrested.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
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The applicant answered it anyway: “Never got caught.”
opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read ‘BEST DEALS.’
announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading ‘LOWEST PRICES.’
of all over his own shop. It read: ‘MAIN ENTRANCE’
of all over his own shop. It read: ‘MAIN ENTRANCE’The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign
of all over his own shop. It read: ‘MAIN ENTRANCE’
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Drum Up Business
The first said, “No business here… natives don’t wear shoes.”
The second one said, “Great opportunity here… natives don’t wear shoes!”
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A Rich Man’s Request
A rich man was dying and called his doctor, minister and lawyer to the hospital room. Over the years people had warned him that he could not take it with him and he was determined to take some of it with him. He gave each one of them $250,000 in cash with the instructions to place it in the casket just before burial.
At the funeral each one dutifully tossed the package into the coffin just before it was lowered into the grave and buried.
Afterwards the minister confessed that needs at the orphanage were extensive and he had taken out $10,000.
The doctor then confessed that he had removed $20,000 for the new children’s hospital.
The lawyer then said: “I’m appalled at your lack of ethics. I placed my personal check for the full amount in the coffin!”
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Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.” He goes: “Not in a row!”
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George Bush
George Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart. The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him.
“You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?”
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?” Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear.
Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed.
“You really are Einstein! Welcome to heaven!”
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn’t hesitate. “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?” Saint Peter says, “Go ahead.”
Picasso erases Einstein’s scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk. Saint Peter claps.
“Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!”
The last to arrive is George Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. “Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?”
Bush looks bewildered, “Who are Einstein and Picasso?”
Saint Peter sighs, “Come on in, George.”
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Last month, a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was: ‘Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?’
The survey was a huge failure because…
- In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what ‘honest’ meant.
- In Western Europe they didn’t know what ’shortage’ meant.
- In Africa they didn’t know what ‘food’ meant.
- In China they didn’t know what ‘opinion’ meant.
- In the Middle East they didn’t know what ’solution’ meant.
- In South America they didn’t know what ‘please’ meant.
-
In the US they didn’t know what ‘the rest of the world’ meant
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Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she’s pregnant!
She is furious. Here just became the senator of New York and this has happened to her.
She gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: “How could you have let this happen? With all that’s going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you??!!! I can’t believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault!!! Your fault!!! Well, what have you got to say???”
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.
She screams again, “Did you hear me??!!”
Finally she hears Bill’s very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, “Who is this?”
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The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
